GothicTemptress’s blog

I've noticed that a lot of friend's on my Flist have been slamming the Twilight Series lately.  I know others in RL that have nothing but love for the characters, and they've willingly let me borrow their books in the last few weeks.

I've now read all 4 books, and really enjoyed myself as a reader.  I was engaged, curious, and even titillated in a very general and innocent sense.  I understand the appeal of the Cullens, and I find Bella an interesting young lady, albeit a little emo.  I identify with Edward's controlling/protective nature, and with Bella's succumbing to it, and occasional rebellion.  I find the romance aspect compelling, and SM's writing to be enjoyable. 

Most of all, I enjoyed the perilous road the two main characters walked when considering morality, ethics, desire, and how to reconcile everything to still make a go at loving one another...something that is probably impossible.

I guess I'm just confused about all the Twilight hate, but that's just me.  I don't ever expect to pick up a book and be blown away, and I certainly don't want to have to judge an author about the choices that they make for their creations.  Maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I'm too accepting of the creative process, and make too many allowances.  Perhaps that is why I like Fanfiction so much...anything goes, and people feel free to pull well-worn favorites into the gutter, into another era, etc.  But there is also a beauty about original characters too, and I was not disappointed in the Twilight Series in the least.  I don't give a shit about Vampire Facts from people who LARP, or why the Cullen's don't go ballistic when girls menstruate, although they are probably very valid points to Vampire Enthusiasts and even asked that last one of myself (I found the answer on-line, and it satisfied my curiosity)...but THAT is just the thing.  My book lender's...the people in RL who loved this series...they are as close to the biggest Vamp Fans as one can humanly get.  Two went to "Transelvania" to one of those Vamp Tours, go around Europe visiting pertinent sites, and ALL have vast knowledge of any literature/publications regarding the blood suckers...and they've all enjoyed the series.  I guess I'm just glad that I got positive recommendations before hearing the negative, so I decided to give the series a chance, with an open mind, and I'm very glad I did.

I really enjoyed myself. 

So for those of you on the fence, who are considering the books, I say TRY IT OUT.  If you stopped because you thought it sucked, well then don't bother.  But if it's because others can't stand it, well I think that in that case, you really should give it a chance on your own terms.  There is an innocence that appeals to the young romantic I used to be.  There is a sense of danger that threds itself throught, keeping me guessing.  There is an interestng core cast that I hope ends up OK in the end.  There is Obsession and alterior motives, and the deliciously romantic notion that there is a tormented being willing to spend every night watching over you...but is he protecting you from others, or from himself?  I never thought that creepy.  I found it delightfully romantic.  My husband needs to work during the day, of course, so there is no talking him into the practice, but STILL.   *swoons*

So if you read any of the books, do you agree or disagree, and why?  Spoil the comments here, and let's discuss this series that seems to be pulling people into two directions...the lovers and the haters. 

Team Cullen. To be constantly walking that fine line between giving up or giving into what you want most - what a great basis for a story, I say.  Discuss! 

So this weekend was a wonderful one, partly because I took Sasha and went to the Hilton to watch Serade and Tink in a Quidditch match in Grant Park!   Seriously, it was such a good time!  The rain started, and Sasha asked if we could leave, so I'm not sure who won...but meeting you girls was so nice after this many years, and your friend's were amazing too.  I hope you enjoyed your time in Chicago!  Please post pics if you have any. 

What a disappointment.  Imagine, potential future president to a political disaster in the blink of an eye.  That has got to be some magic pus*y, right there, and I hope it was worth it for him.  To think what his wife must be going through, and his children too.  It was while she was in remission, before he knew she was terminal, so I can't even fathom how she must feel, even though she DID know about it after the fact.  But I think about the children the most, especially the youngest ones. 

Breaking news

Honestly, I have changed my opinions about "adultery" as I've gotten older.  I'm less likely to rush to judgment because I know every relationship has issues, and it's no longer black and white to me.  Well, the act itself is, but the WHY and if it's a good reason...not for me to judge.  A couple of friends very close to my heart have recently gone through some daunting marital situations, and I see now that love can change and situations can lend themselves to complications beyond our understanding, and as long both parties understand what is going on, it can and will be OK in the end.  For one the marriage has ended.  For the other, the marriage is treading water and looks to be mending for the sake of of the children.  Not every relationship can last, nor SHOULD it.

With John Edwards, the "honest" guy and the "family man", he's no longer believable as a politician, especially since his campaign had her on their payroll.  Denying and covering  tracks, buying off and deliberately deceiving...what a tragic end to a man, with great potential, who could have been.  
 

I was going to post about the In-Law's visit, but I had quite an interesting day, and need to get this off my chest first...

Sasha woke up with coughing, fever, just general ickyness this morning, and so I forgot all about my sucky night last night.  I hardly slept because my left toe was throbbing.  So hearing her cough and feeling her fever instigated a call to her doctor, who passed me on to a nurse.  As I looked down due to that throbbing pain again, blood was shooting out from the side of my big toe nail, and I panicked.  Thank God the nurse on the line transferred me to the Podiatrist, who fit me in right away, and so instead of taking Sasha in, it was ME.  Sasha had her Nintendo DS with her playing Dogz, Bella had a book, and they sat quietly in the corner while a doctor did an improptu mini surgery after X-rays revealed an ingrown nail went so deep that part was nearly touching my bone, and the other side at my nerve, all pushing up onto my nailbed.  I am now missing part of my toenail, and have a few stitches, and need to stay off of my feet for at least a week, and no exercise or closed toe shoes for at least 2.  Thank goodness I adore flip flops.

After we got home, Sasha went to lay down, and I was once again reminded WHY I called the docs in the first place.  I completely forgot about her appointment today.  They rescheduled it for tomorrow, and they understood why we missed it, but DARN, I dislike it when I have brain farts like that.  She's doing well with those Children Meltaways for fever and colds, and now Bella is starting to sneeze, so mybe it's better I missed today so that I could have them BOTH looked at tomorrow, at the same time. 

Serade and Tink, I left Tink a text on her phone, so one of you please let me know when the Quiddich Match is, and I will take a cab over there with or without my munchkin army, depending on how they are feeling.  I want to meet you all, so please let me know what the schedule of activities are that I might be able to participate from the sidelines!  Al, probably no go on the other activities you mentioned, but maybe a visit here, or I will be in Midlo on Sunday evening  through Tuesday, so maybe Saravann's?  Chicken Kiev and steack w/ blue cheese?  Synchronized rocking in bathtubs?  

For Sar, we had lunch with Sandy today at Macy's after my appointment, and I told her that because I won't be able to get to Neo now before my surgery (damn!!!), let's all get together here or at her house before my big surgery.  I'd love for you to meet the rest of my fam anyway, so we'll have to do that too.  Rani, that also goes for you and Robbie.  And about Neo...I have my instructions for after the big one on the 29th, and I need to take it easy for 5 to 6 weeks after...so let's all plan for a night at Neo at the beginning of November.  More to come on that, as I see how I feel.

Damn toe.  At least I didn't loose my whole nail.  Now that I hear Sash coughing, I'm going to take care of her, but I will post a locked entry next about the interesting family events we've had this week.   

Babcia and Dzadek will be here in 5 minutes.  Bella is hanging on to me for dear life, and Sasha is bouncing off the walls with excitement.  I just want to throw up.  I will try to explain my nerves later to you all...why this is effecting me the way it is.  I will try to later, after I can give an update of how the first visit went.

I want to throw up.  It feels like I'm meeting them for the first time, and my nerves are getting the best of me.

Deep breaths....deep breaths!

So I'm sitting here slightly tipsy from a glass of a bottle of wine my brother gave me for my birthday (I forgot about it at the back of my fridge), trying desperately to calm my nerves about my Mother-In-Law arriving from Poland.  She'll be landing at O'Hare in about an hour, and I pray that the visit will not be nearly as stressful as I'm currently afraid it will be.  God, please don't let past experiences be indicative of future results.  Please!  Anyway, I was trolling the net for something to make me laugh, and stumbled upon this...

http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/5426/gothmccain1od1.jpg

LOL!  It makes him look 30 years younger!

Please give me an honest, unfiltered opinion regarding first impressions.  No need to be politically correct, because I hope the responses can give me some insight about how I feel about MY initial reactions to something that I observed today.

I was walking home on Michigan Avenue, and the girls and I were standing behind a group of business men trying to decide where to eat for lunch.  As the light turned green, one said, "I don't think we should eat there...look at the sign in front, it's missing two letters and their sidewalk is disgustingly dirty."

"Yeah", another added, "if they let it look like that on the outside, they probably aren't very good at what happens on the inside.  Let's go to China Grill instead." 

I know for a fact that the restaurant has some of the best appetizer choices in the city, and their food is not bad in the least, but it's true that the outside of their sidewalk cafe looks less than inviting, and they should have fixed their sign last year. 

1.  Would you notice this kind of thing if you were walking down the street? 

2.  Would you care enough to NOT go in, even if you knew good food was inside?

And here is the unexpected twist in my post...

3.  Considering your answers to 1 and 2, do you hold the same standards to your first impressions of people?  Answer honestly, because I'm counting on it. ;)

My surgery date is August 29th!  The procedure will take about 20 minutes, and I'll need to stay overnight, but I'm so excited to finally get a fix on the first day of the rest of my healthier and hopefully thinner life.  Please keep me in your thoughts, everyone, as I'll need all the help I can get! ;)

Now that I have the actual date, I will now be able to get REALLY excited!   w00t! 

That guy was amazing.  I hope his kids and wife will be OK now that he's gone...but that guy did all he could to make sure that things were taken care of before the cancer took him, and after following his blog for so long, I will miss rooting for him. 

I wonder if his kids were there as he passed.  I know that they did not tell them, but their whole lives will change after this, and I'm sitting here weeping just thinking about them, and his wife.

What an inspiration he turned out to be, and I'm so sad for them all.

I know, I haven’t updated in forever, and I am woefully behind my friend’s list too, so I guess I have to start someplace.

My Gastric Band surgery is in a holding pattern while we wait for the Insurance to send the final approval for the switch from a Gastric Bipass to Lap Band.  Of course BCBS IL is happy to approve that because it’s going to save them a TON of $ when comparing the two procedures and the amount of time spent in the hospital for me after...I’m very confident with my decision to switch.  I have lost 11% of my body weight since January and my weekly Nutritionist and Therapy Sessions has greatly increased my awareness of what and WHY I have eaten my way to this point.   I refuse to let another year go by without doing something for myself.  Believe me when I say that this is very much a selfish act, purely for my own desires.  Max has never known me as a thin woman, and actually loves me this way.  My family doesn’t really want me to do this, but NO ONE is able to give me a clear answer why.  The Insurance will completely cover this 20 minute procedure.  The band will be made smaller via a saline injection through a port 4 weeks later.  It will be hard work on my end, but I have been well on my way for months now in preparation, as Northwestern will not even consider you unless you show consistent weight loss on your own over a six month period, and pass benchmarks with nutritionists and a therapist.  These six months have given me confidence in my ability to use this banding tool that is about to be installed in me, and move on to the next phase of my life, as a slender woman. 

I’ll be a happy 150, but I hope to NOT stop there.  My dream is to be at 135.  That is my ideal, healthiest weight.   Even though the charts say I should be around 114, I refuse to even contemplate that number.  I like meat on my bones, after all, just not 100+ extra pounds of it.

I should know within the next two weeks when my surgery will be.  It was supposed to be in August, but now it looks like it may be September, which is terribly inconvienient.  Sasha starts Full Day Kindergarten on September 2^nd.  As long as I can walk her to the lobby for the bus, I guess I’ll be OK.

Can you all believe I have a child that is about to enter Kindergarten?!  Remember when she was born?  I think about 99% of my Flist was around for that, so can you believe it?!!!  Don’t want to make anyone feel old, but I sure do.  Time is flying by, and soon I’ll be posting pics from her prom.  Kindergarten almost threw a kink in my plans for the surgery, however.  After registration in April, all the parents were informed that due to an unexpectedly high enrollment volume of 5 year olds, they would have to revert back to half-day classes, unless each family donated $1800 to a fund to hire a new teacher.  Full day was important to us because the bus literally picks up the kids in our building’s lobby, and children are not allowed to ride it unless they are full day students…and most of you know that we have not driven in 12 years…The school is by the John Hancock Building, so it’s walkable and public busable, but with Bella and her planned activities during the day, it would have been nearly impossible to maintain what would have to happen.   We made the donation, which was borrowed from my surgery’s deductible fund, and hopefully we’ll get that replenished in time for what I want.

It kind of feels refreshing to be selfish.  Is that strange?  I have spent my adult years pleasing everyone else.  Almost every decision has been made with someone else in mind, from the grocery list to our vacation destinations.  I am always on the schedules of others.  So I said no to a vacation this summer, and I said no to supiflurious treats that my children begged for in the grocery store, and I said no to anything that was not necessary, all in the quest to save enough to get what I want, for once.

I feel some guilt about no vacation, but they are taking plenty of little trips with the grandparents, and I will get a week break of nothing but sleep and little movement after I have the procedure, so that IS a vacation, in my opinion. 

Besides, mommy’s not going to be able to get on all the rides at Disney World or be allowed on a mule to go down the Grand Canyon at the weight I’m at, so this “vacation” will benefit them just as much as it benefits ME.  They just haven’t realized it yet.

It feels good to make a decision that focuses on myself.  Damn good, in fact, and more of that will come.  I’ll have time with a personal trainer every week, and that may cut into play time.  They will have to deal with the fact that I am going to commit time during the day to get healthy.  My therapist said that they will benefit from seeing me exercise with a trainer because they will see mommy stress importance on allocating time to get healthy.  I just want to be able to run a 5K without nearly passing out.  If my knee will let me, I still hope to do a Marathon in my lifetime.  I don’t need to do it in 4 hours.  I just want to cross that finish line.

The quote taped to my refrigerator reminds me of the truth:

“You can’t solve the problems of the mind and the heart with the mouth.”

I’ve been living by that mantra since Therapy began in January.  There will be another one going right under it after the stitches have closed up:

“Satsify yourself or satisfy no one.”

I am satisfied in my marriage, in my family life, and I am satisfied with my life in general, but I have chosen to remain blind to my issues with my weight.  Each year I have gone up on the scale, and down in my self esteem…in what I think I deserve from this body of mine.  I deserve to be healthy, and fit, and able to do anything, at any time, without physical constraints.  I deserve to be much healthier, that’s for sure. 

I have been going through this past decade semi-happy with me.  My weight hasn’t stopped me from being outgoing, friendly, and well-adjusted in general, but it HAS kept me from dressing like I’d like, being as active as I should with two small children, and it CERTAINLY has stopped me from being as healthy as I could be.  My heart, my kidney’s, my liver, and my joints have suffered greatly, and I only hope they forgive me.

The moment that I can go into a doctor’s office for a physical and NOT have the doctor need to switch out the “regular” Blood Pressure Cuff for the big one, I will weep with joy.  I hope that my blood pressure reading will reflect my shrinking size, and my sleep apnea number will shrink as well

My mind has been shouldering lots of emotional weight from my earliest memories.  My body has been shouldering weight that could be described as self-defeating.   It’s time to forgive myself, forgive Earl, forgive my issues, forgive my complacency, and seize the remainder of my days to live a better life…a healthier life I hope.  I will not be able to ask “What If”, even if my parent’s continue to think I SHOULD.   They still do not support this, and although I know they will come around, it is bothersome that I even have to continue to care.  They claim I’m being selfish.

For once, I will agree with them.  And they’d better get used to it.  I am committing too much to others, and have failed when it’s come to me.  It is time to nurture the neglected parts of myself, and I plan on doing a thorough job of it. I haven’t been this excited since the birth of my daughters!  ;)